What’s that man doing in my dream?

 Today’s dream is a common one for women.  The old boyfriend is back.  Many times he’s the first love.  Often he’s the ex-husband.  Here’s the dream:


I fairly often dream about my ex-boyfriend. He was my first real love and I

was with him from age 19 to 28 and had a pretty turbulent relationship. I left

him because he was controlling, manipulative and often cruel, I have no doubt

that it was the right decision. I am very happily married to a gorgeous

supportive man , but am troubled by feeling unfaithful because of these

dreams, especially since we are nearly always having sex in them.

I would appreciate any illumination.


Men in a woman’s dream represents her own masculine energy.  Now every woman needs some masculine energy – it’s what allows us to get things done in the world.  Positive masculine energy is what helps women think logically, set goals, make plans to achieve those goals and provide the impetus to act on those plans.  Positive masculine energy allows a woman to discern wisely, make good judgments and think for herself. 

When a woman is overwhelmed by negative masculine energy, she becomes bossy, opinionated without true discernment, judgmental instead of exercising good judgment.  Most of her relationships are testy at best.  When a woman has no masculine energy at all, she can’t seem to do anything for herself and relies on the men around her to take care of her: father, brothers, boyfriends, husband, sons.  Neat trick if you can pull it off but most women just become victims when they can’t or won’t develop their own masculine energy.

So!  Here comes the Old Boyfriend!  Wanting sex, no less!  Fear not, Dreamer!  Remember, it’s a metaphor for your psyche.  Here’s what to do with the Old Boyfriend.  Cast your mind back to those first heady days of your romance.  What caught your attention?  What was so attractive – can you name the magic this guy held?  Not necessarily the stuff you found out about him later – but your first projection (for that’s what it was, dear Dreamer!) on him.  What did you think you saw in him that was compelling?

Drum roll, please…..we project on to the men we fall in love with that which we need to identify and develop in ourselves.  We project on to them our own “gold.”  Later the projection falls away, he’s not who we thought he was (of course not) but we have too much invested in him now and we really thought we saw something…in…there?  And we stay with him for the cutest years of our lives.  Crap.

Dreamer, what fabulousness of your own did you project onto O.B.?  When I ask the question, “what first attracted you to this man?” of women in my workshops, the top answers include: he was so smart, so confident, so competent, so good-looking, so charming, so funny and I thought he loved me!

There it is.  What part of YOU is NOT feeling so smart, confident, competent, good-looking, charming, and funny (and therefore looks for all of that in an external man)?  And what part of YOU needs to love YOURSELF?  Now, Dreamer, your answers may be entirely different, but you see what I mean.  Some part of you, some potential masculine energy within you desperately wants to get in touch with you (become conscious) and become integrated in your waking life (that’s the sex part).  The best picture of this part of you the Unconscious has is O.B. 

One more thing.  Sex in dreams often signals something having to do with the dreamer’s spiritual life.  Yep, you read that right.  A woman’s masculine side is called her animus.  He can manifest in infinite ways, both positive and negative, in a woman’s dreams.  One of his roles is to mediate between a woman’s conscious ego and the deep psychic structures in which the numinous or Holy moves within us.  Using another language, he guards the gate to Heaven. Sex in dreams, especially good sex, is a wonderful manifestation of God longing for our soul and our soul’s longing for God.  See Song of Solomon in the Bible – “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  So what connection might O.B. have with your spiritual life, Dreamer? 



Karen Mori Bonner, MS, LPC
368 Highland Colony Parkway
Ridgeland, MS 39157
Office Phone: 601.594.1961 Office
Email: info@dreamcounselor.ms

© 2019, Karen Bonner Counselor, LPC
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